The slow death of children’s manners
*These thoughts are my own. I’m not expert — just a constant observer. I’m not a cynic — just a concerned parent who may make the occasional generalization when putting a mirror up to modern society. My kids are not perfect, nor would we want them to be.
“Your kids are so well-behaved. You’ve done an amazing job with them.”
During a recent trip around the Santa Fe area we heard this no less than twelve times. No exaggeration on my part, and said with absolutely no intention to brag. We appreciate the sentiment. But after the fifth or sixth time of hearing it, I began to feel saddened by the comment. For it was not as much a commentary on our children or parenting as much as it was on the collective state of other children’s manners.
Permit me to back up for a minute. Way back.
I grew up in Southeast Texas. You addressed everyone as “ma’am” or “sir”. This was not some sort of surrender to subjugation or royal reverence. Very simply, it was just good manners and polite. I can recall on one finger the number of times I heard my mother complimented on my manners. This is not because my sister and I were inconsistent. It’s because this is how most kids around us acted — regardless of social status or ethnicity.
Sure I had my problems. I was no angel, and I ran with some misfits and caused my share of trouble. We were a middle-class family. My parents worked hard. We had long days in daycare, then the latch key days (for which I’ll always be grateful), and we were miles away from any interaction with those upper-middle class types.
But we all minded our Ps and Qs in front of our elders — so basically anyone over the age of 18 was a recipient of some Southern charm.
I recall the following playing out for my sister and me in numerous store parking lots: Mom parks car, turns around, looks us in the eye, and tells us what we’re there to buy and if we ask her to buy us other stuff “you’re in trouble. Understand?”. Yes ma’am. We didn’t think she was strict. We just knew these were the rules. We break the rules, we’re in trouble. Just like if you don’t respond to an adult with “ma’am” or “sir”, you’d get the maternal glare.
So what happened in the span of a generation? 30 or even 20 years ago the sight of children acting out in public earned the parents a collective stink eye by most adults at the grocery store or on the bus. It was the exception, not the rule. But something shifted over time that a well-behaved child with the ability to sit still has become a diamond in the rough. He or she is showered with praise for apparently not being a distraction.
I’m no expert as to the societal psychology of it all, but I’m observant enough to form some solid enough theories of the problem:
a) Parents snowplow the road for the children. Challenges are removed; corrections are considered stifling or, worse, could fracture the ‘friendship’ they’ve cultivated with their child.
b) Parents raise their kids without any restrictions, firmly believing that childhood is meant to be a constant form of free expression and self-discovery, no matter which restaurant, pew, or public space they’re in.
c) Parents check out. TV becomes the babysitter. A tablet or cell phone is glued to their tiny hands at a tiny age — and there it stays, assuring the underdevelopment of normal human interaction and awareness to one’s surroundings. It’s worth noting the amount of parents with cell phones glued to their own hands too.
Sure, I’m rationalizing my concerns at the expense of making generalizations. I’m pointing the finger squarely at the parents, not the children. *As a disclaimer, I know that many children with behavioral challenges fall onto the Autism spectrum. Having worked with them in my younger years and being married to someone who works with them full-time, I’ve come to recognize their behavior. I point no fingers at those parents or the many others with development issues related to biology. Here, I’m talking about the children who could be guided to behave one way but are continuously allowed to behave another.
Here’s the thing. Children are not going to tread the path of more resistance on their own, but they can take that path with a parent, and that resistance begins to feel more like guidance. The behavior yields a positive experience, and the cycle is encouraged and made habit.
While trick-or-treating last Halloween, kids were darting back and forth between every house with a porch light on. One neighbor yells at me as my kids walk away from his door. “I tell ya, your kids can come back anytime! Best kids we’ve had all night! You did a great job!” Again, appreciated but difficult to hear. What the heck was this poor man made to endure all night? However, I believe he was on to something.
Parenthood is exactly that: a job. It’s hands down the best, most exciting, challenging, rewarding job in the whole world, but it also is one that requires diligent presence of mind and the constant willingness to learn and tweak the formula in an effort to do it right.
As a result, my 11 year old son looks adults in the eye when speaking to them. When they ask how he is, he returns the query. And he has come to mean it. He actually listens. It sparks conversation; it hones his listening skills. My younger daughter, a tougher nut to crack in this regard, is finally making the simple courtesies a habit. And she, like her brother, understands that you’re treated differently. Treat someone with respect, and 9 times out of 10 they’ll do the same.
We’re not without our challenges. Under our roof it can be a herculean effort to get either of our children to display consistent initiative with something as simple as making their bed or wiping toothpaste out of the sink. But outside of these walls, they know there is little room for error. Perhaps it’s because they see they are impacting others, not just themselves.
And as parents we’ll continue to learn as we go. We’ll stumble daily, but we won’t beat ourselves up for those missteps. We’ll reassess everything and likely feed our doubts and fears as we enter the teenage years with our kids. But for now, we feel we’re doing it right. We’ve come to believe that the duty of this thing called parenthood is also the greatest responsibility we’ll ever have. And we welcome it.
Along the way we’ve learned (with the help of our own parents) that there are a few acts that will help keep this crazy world a bit more civil. We hope our children will look back as adults with gratitude for having been made to implement these simple things:
Always say thank you, please, and, if you feel so inclined, sir & ma’am.
Acknowledge others and look them in the eye
Hold doors open
Know how to sit still
Be OK being bored
Most importantly, be kind.
After all, we’re all in this together.
Helpful resource: Children & Media Tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics